by Dr. Kevin Dean, President & CEO, Tennessee Nonprofit Network
The nonprofit workplace can be a crucible of ambition, potlucks, and the subtle, lingering scent of suspicion. We’ve all been there. You’re in a meeting, your supervisor gives you a look that could curdle milk, and a cold dread settles in your stomach. They’re out to get me, you think, your mind racing to the last time you used the communal microwave for fish. It’s the tuna. I knew it.
But what if I told you that this unsettling feeling, this metaphorical whiff of negativity from your boss, isn’t always about personal dislike? Sure, sometimes people just don’t mesh. The clash of personalities can be as jarring as a mime in a mosh pit. But more often than not, this feeling stems from something far more foundational: trust. Or, more accurately, the lack thereof.
We tend to frame these workplace dynamics as a matter of “like” or “dislike.” My boss likes me, so I’m safe. My boss dislikes me, so I’m doomed. But this is a woefully simplistic view of a complex relationship. A boss may not like the way you eat your sandwich, or they may find your vocal fry grating, but those are minor annoyances. The real currency in the professional world is trust. And building that trust is a two-way street, a fact often forgotten by those who feel their supervisor is out to get them. How you show up, what you do, and how you either build or destroy that trust is far more critical than whether your boss enjoys your choice of condiment.
Let’s dive into some of the most efficient, tried-and-true methods for systematically dismantling the trust between you and your supervisor.
1. Confusing Facts with Feelings (A Masterclass in Self-Sabotage)
I once had a situation with an employee many many years ago at a previous job, let’s call her Brenda, who decided I didn’t like her. Brenda was supervised by someone I supervised, so my interaction with her was minimal, and frankly, my mind was on more pressing matters than whether Brenda felt my gaze linger a moment too long. But Brenda, a true artist of the narrative, began to spin a tale. To her coworkers, to people outside the organization, and, in a breathtaking display of chutzpah, even to board members, she bemoaned my alleged dislike.
The truth? I didn’t have a negative opinion of her. I didn’t have much of an opinion at all. I was busy. She saw me interacting far more with her supervisor than with her, but that was the point. I was managing her manager, not her. It was a chain of command, a logical structure, but Brenda took it personally. She saw the fact that I was supervising her supervisor as a personal slight, a sign of my disapproval. Over time, her internal monologue became her external reality. She grew more and more combative, defensive, and unresponsive to both me and her direct supervisor. She had created the monster she feared.
At the time, I had no idea about this elaborate fiction she had constructed. By the time we had to let her go for poor job performance and toxic workplace behavior, any semblance of trust I might have had in her was gone. The sad irony is that I didn’t even know what her full narrative was until after she was gone and her former colleagues told me. We had tried to salvage the relationship with multiple check-ins, but she was so convinced of her own story that she was incapable of changing her mind. She built a wall of feelings and stood behind it, oblivious to the facts on the other side.
2. The Art of the Badmouthing Symphony
We all need to vent. It’s a fundamental human need, like eating a regrettable amount of cheese or complaining about the weather. But there’s a difference between letting off steam and mounting a full-scale public relations campaign against your boss. You should find a confidential and objective person to share your concerns with, unless, of course, what’s happening is illegal or a bona fide hostile workplace. Your therapist is an excellent choice. Your significant other is a good second. The lady from accounting with the questionable cat sweaters is not.
Please, for the love of all that is professionally sacred, do not blow off steam about your boss to your coworkers. You may think you’re bonding, but what you’re really doing is creating a liability. A liability that can, and will, find its way back to your boss. And if you’re brave enough to badmouth your boss to people outside your organization, I promise you, nine times out of ten, it will get back to them. The professional world is a small, interconnected web of gossip and LinkedIn connections.
Compromising someone’s reputation, money, and career is, in my book, nearly unforgivable. Your boss has a family, a mortgage, and a cat they adore, just like you. And while it may give you a fleeting sense of satisfaction to vent about them, remember this: your boss may already know what you’re saying. And while they might tolerate it for a while, a seed of distrust has been planted. It will grow. It will fester. And it will eventually kill any goodwill you had.
3. Undermining Them (The I-Know-Better Tactic)
Nothing says “I do not respect you or your authority” quite like undermining your boss, especially in front of other people. A staff meeting, for example, is not the appropriate venue to air a personal conflict you have with your supervisor. It’s not a town hall. It’s a meeting about work. Keep your interpersonal disagreements in private, one-on-one conversations.
And for the love of all that is good, do not “reply all” when you disagree with your boss about something that isn’t a matter of ethics or law. You think the orange color chosen for the upcoming special event is an aesthetic disaster? That it looks like a pumpkin threw up on the company logo? Keep that opinion to yourself. Or, if you must share it, do so in a private email. A company-wide email chain is not the place to announce your personal distaste for a hue. All you’ve done is signal to everyone that you don’t trust your boss’s decision-making, which in turn makes them trust you less. It’s the professional equivalent of bringing a sword to a butter knife fight.
4. Knowing Your Lane (The Unsolicited Guidance Counselor)
There’s a fine line between being a proactive employee and being an insufferable micromanager of your own boss. Policing your boss’s job, especially when you’ve never had their job, is a quick way to torpedo any trust they have in you. Do you know what’s in your job description? Stick to that. Are you a data analyst who believes they have a better strategy for the Q3 marketing campaign than the CMO? That’s nice. But unless you have the lived experience and expertise to back it up, keep it to yourself unless you have built that trust and have an opening to share your opinions.
Your boss is paid to make decisions you may not agree with. They have a different set of responsibilities and a different vantage point. It’s not your job to police their choices. It’s your job to do your job. When you constantly push back on their decisions or offer unsolicited “advice” on how they should be doing their work, what you are communicating is a deep lack of trust in their abilities. Why should they trust you in return?
I want to note here that I’m not talking about speaking up for the marginalized, offering a different perspective on something seemingly inequitable, or reminding someone of shared agreements on mutual respect. But again, take your supervisor aside on these issues. Be curious before you launch into how they should do their job. You may not see the full picture. I have found in my own career that this is true a majority of the time and a simple conversation can clear up a lot!
5. The Me-Me-Me Manifesto
Yes, self-care is important. No one is arguing that you should be a martyr and work yourself to the bone for an organization that might replace you in a heartbeat. But there’s a difference between taking care of yourself and making every single thing about you. You’ve chosen to take a job that requires you to think beyond yourself, to be part of a larger team and a larger mission.
When your boss is trying to secure funding to find shelter for the unhoused, and you can only discuss your recent breakup or complain about which caterer was chosen for the holiday party because you “don’t like their fried okra,” you’re getting in the way of the work. You’re not a protagonist in a one-person play. You’re a member of an ensemble cast. Don’t be the diva who holds up the show because of a trivial disagreement. Don’t be in the way of the work.
6. The Inconsistent Work-Product
Consistency is key and can build trust faster than almost anything else. Your work product, your behavior, and your customer service skills need to be consistent. If your boss is worried that you might chew out a coworker one day and be overly friendly the next, it’s impossible to trust you. If your work is excellent one week and shoddy the next, they can’t count on you.
Trust is built on predictability. When a boss can predict your performance and behavior, they can trust you to handle tasks, projects, and difficult situations. When you are a professional and emotional chameleon (or loose cannon), they can’t. They don’t know which version of you will show up, and that uncertainty is a breeding ground for distrust.
7. The Dogmatist’s Creed: A Lack of Curiosity
The world of nonprofits, much like a chameleon, is in a constant state of change. What worked yesterday might be a laughable anachronism today. This is why a lack of curiosity is a professional trust killer. When a boss gives you feedback or a new directive, and your response is a rigid, “But that’s not how we’ve always done it,” you’re signaling that your way is the only way. This is not curiosity; it’s dogmatism.
A dogmatic employee is a difficult employee. They’re closed off to new ideas, new processes, and new ways of thinking. They believe their tried-and-true methods are infallible, which makes them a liability in a world that demands adaptation. Your boss is looking for problem-solvers, not roadblocks. When you’re unwilling to entertain the possibility that there might be a better way to do something—be it a report, a marketing strategy, or even how you refill the coffee machine—you’re telling your boss that you can’t be trusted to evolve.
Curiosity, on the other hand, is a signal of intellectual humility. It says, “I am open to learning, to growing, and to finding a better way.” A curious employee asks questions, listens to feedback, and is willing to abandon old ways for new ones. A curious employee is a trusted employee. An incurious, dogmatic one is a ticking time bomb of obsolescence. So, the next time your boss suggests a new way of doing things, don’t cling to your old methods like a life raft. Be curious. Be open. And be someone your boss can trust to navigate the ever-changing tides of the professional world.
So, the next time you get that “whiff of something,” take a moment to look inward. Are you inadvertently doing any of these things? If so, the issue may not be that your boss dislikes you, but that you’ve systematically, and perhaps without even realizing it, eroded the trust that is the foundation of any healthy professional relationship. And no amount of complaining about it will ever bring it back.