Bereavement Isn’t Always a One-Day Affair

by Dr. Kevin Dean, President & CEO, Tennessee Nonprofit Network

Last week, my grandmother entered hospice. Her heart, after 98 incredible years, is finally failing her. This is, without a doubt, the closest I have ever been to watching someone die, and it’s been a profound, often bewildering, education in what grief and bereavement truly look like. I’m used to showing up for the funeral, not having a front row seat as a person leaves this world. As I write this, my grandmother is still with us, resting comfortably in a wonderful hospice. She’s occasionally responsive, sometimes incoherent, but mostly, she’s sleeping. By the time you read this, though, she might be gone. It has been a trying week and a half. My grandmother has always been a fighter, a force of nature, and she is lingering somewhere between this world and the next, and my family is playing the waiting game.

I want to be clear from the outset: I’m not looking for pity. The point of this blog post is to uplift the often tricky and uncomfortable role bereavement plays in a person’s life when they lose a loved one and how important flexible policies are for supporting our employees. My grandmother has lived a long and truly amazing life. Ninety-eight years is a gift, and she has been surrounded by her loved ones, able to say goodbye to all of us. That, in itself, is such an incredible gift, both for her and for us. We’ve had the chance to share stories, to laugh, to cry, and to simply be present. It’s a privilege many don’t get.

However, this deeply personal experience has been a stark and powerful reminder that our bereavement policies, especially in the workplace, need to be far more flexible than they often are. At many previous nonprofits where I have worked, one day of bereavement is a standard practice, and sometimes the total number of bereavement days is severely limited. It’s one thing to attend the funeral of a long-lost relative, a distant cousin you haven’t seen in years, where your primary role is to offer condolences and perhaps catch up with family. It’s another thing entirely to be on the front lines, navigating the raw, messy, and all-consuming reality of impending loss.

In the last week alone, my family has had to move my grandmother from nursing care to the emergency room, then to a hospital room, and finally, to hospice. Each transition was a logistical and emotional marathon. We’ve had to pack up and move all of her personal belongings out of nursing care, sorting through a lifetime of memories, deciding what to keep, what to donate, what to discard. My mother, with incredible strength, has already had to begin working on funeral arrangements, making decisions no one ever wants to make. And we haven’t even lost her yet. The acute grief, the finality of goodbye, is still to come. How, in good conscience, could I have done any of this with a mere one-day bereavement leave? The very thought feels absurd, almost cruel.

Rethinking Bereavement: Beyond the One-Day Standard

This experience has solidified my conviction that we, as leaders in the nonprofit sector, need to fundamentally rethink our approach to bereavement policies. The current “one-day standard” is often woefully inadequate, failing to acknowledge the complex, multi-faceted nature of loss and the very real demands it places on individuals and families. There is a profound difference in what is needed based on the closeness of the relationship and the proximity to death.

Is one-day bereavement okay for a person who has lost their spouse? Their child? Their parent or sibling? Absolutely not. The idea is almost laughable in its inadequacy. The immediate aftermath of such a profound loss involves not just the funeral, but often agonizing decisions, legal arrangements, emotional support for other family members, and the sheer, overwhelming weight of grief that can make even simple tasks feel impossible. As nonprofit leaders, our mission is often centered on compassion and human dignity. It is imperative that this compassion extends internally to our own staff during their most vulnerable moments. We have to be flexible and deeply empathetic to the loss of loved ones by our staff.

Consider other scenarios that may require additional time off beyond a single day:

• Sudden, Unexpected Loss: A sudden accident or illness leaves no time for preparation, goodbyes, or wrapping up affairs. The shock alone can be debilitating, requiring significant time to process and manage immediate practicalities.
• Death of a Dependent or Care Recipient: This could be an elderly parent, a child with special needs, or any individual for whom the employee was a primary caregiver. The loss isn’t just emotional; it often means a complete upheaval of daily routines and responsibilities.
• Death Out of State or Country: Travel time, often significant, is rarely accounted for in standard bereavement policies. Attending a funeral far away can consume several days before any actual grieving or logistical work can begin.
• Managing an Estate or Family Affairs: When an employee is the executor of an estate, or the primary person responsible for settling the affairs of the deceased, this involves legal processes, financial management, property sorting, and countless administrative tasks that can take weeks or even months.
• Caring for Surviving Family Members: The death of a spouse might mean a parent needs to take on sole caregiving responsibilities for children, or an adult child might need to care for a surviving elderly parent who is struggling. This is an active, ongoing responsibility, not a one-time event.
• Miscarriage or Stillbirth: This is a deeply personal and often overlooked form of grief that can be physically and emotionally devastating, requiring time for both physical recovery and profound emotional healing.
• Long-Term Illness Leading to Death: As my family is experiencing, the bereavement process can begin long before death occurs. The emotional and physical toll of caring for a loved one through a prolonged illness, navigating medical systems, and anticipating loss, is immense. The “waiting game” is its own form of grief.
• Loss of a Beloved Pet: For many, pets are cherished family members. The grief associated with their loss can be significant and should be acknowledged, even if it doesn’t require the same extensive leave as a human family member.

Building More Compassionate and Flexible Bereavement Policies

So, what can nonprofits do to be more flexible and supportive with bereavement leave? Here are some ideas and specific examples:

1. Implement a Tiered System:
   • Concept: Differentiate leave based on the closeness of the relationship.
   • Example:
     • Immediate Family (Spouse, Child, Parent, Sibling): 5-10 days of paid leave. This acknowledges the profound impact and increased responsibilities.
     • Close Relatives (Grandparent, Grandchild, Aunt/Uncle, In-laws): 3-5 days of paid leave.
     • Other Relatives/Close Friends: 1-2 days of paid leave.
     • Pet Bereavement: 1 day of paid leave or the option to use a floating personal day.
2. Offer “Floating” Bereavement Days or a Bereavement Bank:
   • Concept: Instead of fixed days immediately after death, allow employees to use a bank of bereavement hours/days as needed within a certain timeframe (e.g., within 6 months of the loss). This is particularly helpful for managing estate affairs or supporting family later.
   • Example: An employee gets 40 hours (one work week) of “bereavement bank” time for an immediate family member. They can use 3 days for the funeral, and then 2 more days a month later to help sort through belongings or attend a memorial service.
3. Integrate with Other Leave Policies (Compassionate Leave):
   • Concept: Allow employees to combine bereavement leave with sick leave, PTO, or create a specific “compassionate leave” category for extended needs.
   • Example: After exhausting designated bereavement days, an employee can use up to two weeks of their accrued PTO or sick leave for continued grief support or family responsibilities, without penalty or questions. Some organizations might even offer a short period of unpaid leave for extreme circumstances.
4. Provide Manager Training on Empathy and Flexibility:
   • Concept: Equip managers with the understanding and tools to respond empathetically and flexibly to grieving employees.
   • Example: Training sessions that cover the stages of grief, how to offer support, when to suggest resources, and how to discuss workload adjustments without adding pressure. Managers should be empowered to make reasonable accommodations.
5. Offer Grief Resources and Support:
   • Concept: Beyond time off, provide access to professional support.
   • Example: Partner with an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that offers free counseling sessions for grief. Share resources for local grief support groups or online communities. Acknowledge that grief is not linear and support may be needed weeks or months down the line.
6. Encourage Phased Return to Work:
   • Concept: Allow employees to return to work gradually, perhaps with reduced hours or a modified schedule, rather than an abrupt full-time return.
   • Example: An employee returns for half-days for the first week, or works remotely for a period, easing back into their full responsibilities. This acknowledges that concentration and energy levels can be significantly impacted by grief.
7. Create a Culture of Openness and Support:
   • Concept: Foster an environment where employees feel comfortable communicating their needs without fear of judgment.
   • Example: Leaders openly discuss the importance of mental health and well-being, including grief. Colleagues are encouraged to offer practical support (e.g., covering tasks, sending meals) rather than just verbal condolences.

My grandmother’s journey, though painful to witness, has been a powerful lesson in the human experience of loss. It has underscored that bereavement is rarely a neat, one-day affair. It’s a process, often prolonged, messy, and deeply personal, requiring time, space, and understanding. As nonprofit organizations, we have a unique opportunity, and indeed a responsibility, to lead with compassion, creating policies that truly support our staff when they need it most. By doing so, we not only demonstrate our values but also foster a more resilient, empathetic, and ultimately, more effective workforce.