by Dr. Kevin Dean, President & CEO, Tennessee Nonprofit Network
So, you’ve dedicated your life (or at least your 9-to-5, and let’s be real, often your 5-to-9) to making the world a better place. You’re knee-deep in grant applications, volunteer schedules, and the existential dread of fundraising, all for a cause you genuinely believe in. It’s a beautiful dream, isn’t it? One where everyone is pulling in the same direction, fueled by altruism and leftover cake from last night’s fundraising gala.
Then, reality hits. Because even in the most mission-driven, kumbaya-singing environments, humans gonna human. And sometimes, those “human” tendencies manifest as behaviors that are less “Mother Teresa” and more “Mean Girls (The Nonprofit Edition).” These aren’t always malicious acts, mind you, but they can certainly feel like a thousand paper cuts to your organizational sanity. They can gum up the gears of collaboration, turn team meetings into passive-aggressive tennis matches, and make you wonder if you accidentally joined a very polite cult.
So, how do we shine a light on these peculiar patterns without making light of the genuine frustration they cause? Let’s strap in.
Spotting the “Hmm, That’s Interesting” Behaviors
Before you can address it, you have to identify it. It’s like spotting a unicorn, except this unicorn is subtly stealing your stapler and spreading rumors about your lukewarm coffee preferences. These behaviors rarely announce themselves with a villainous cackle. Oh no, they prefer the quiet, insidious hum of a fluorescent light.
- The Disappearing Act: You’re left off the email chain for the project you’re leading. Your input is “accidentally” forgotten. You find out about a crucial meeting after it’s happened, via a cryptic Slack message. It’s not outright banishment, but it certainly feels like you’re playing a very exclusive game of musical chairs, and the music just stopped when you weren’t looking.
- The Idea-Napper: You propose a brilliant solution. Crickets. Five minutes later, someone else rephrases your exact idea, and suddenly it’s hailed as groundbreaking. You’re left blinking, wondering if you just entered a parallel dimension where your voice is audible only to you.
- The Gossip Gourmand: This individual thrives on the whispered word, the sideways glance. They’re not spreading outright lies, just… interpretations of events, often served with a side of “bless their heart.” It’s the kind of information that makes you clutch your pearls while simultaneously wanting to know more.
- The “Compliment” with a Catch: “Oh, that presentation was surprisingly coherent for you!” or “You actually managed to use spellcheck this time, good for you!” It’s like being offered a piece of cake that’s been subtly laced with bitter almonds. You want to appreciate the gesture, but your taste buds are having an existential crisis.
- The Passive-Aggressive Procrastinator: Asking them for an urgent report is like trying to get a snail to run a marathon. They’ll agree with a beatific smile, then somehow, the universe conspires against them. Emails are “missed,” files are “misplaced,” and deadlines become mere suggestions. You can’t quite prove malice, but you’re pretty sure your blood pressure just went up.
- The Exclusive Club: Remember high school cliques? They’re back! But instead of the popular kids at the lunch table, it’s the “inner circle” of volunteers who always get the prime shifts, or the specific staff members who always go to lunch together and return with knowing glances. Anyone outside feels like they’re peering through a velvet rope at a party they weren’t invited to.
In Your Organization: Navigating the Minefield of Inter-Staff Relations
When these delightful behaviors pop up among your colleagues, it can feel like you’re trapped in a very polite, very well-intentioned episode of “Survivor.”
The Art of the Direct, Yet Oh-So-Polite, Confrontation
If you’re feeling brave and armed with a freshly brewed cup of courage, a private chat can sometimes work wonders. Think of it as a diplomatic mission, not a declaration of war.
- The Specificity Spell: Don’t just wave your hands vaguely. “When you make that face every time I suggest something in team meetings, it makes me feel like my ideas are being judged before they’re even out of my mouth.” Pinpointing the behavior gives them less wiggle room to feign ignorance.
- The “I Feel” Potion: It’s not about accusing; it’s about your experience. “I felt a bit sidelined when you announced the decision we’d discussed, but left my name off the communication. I’d appreciate it if we could ensure shared credit moving forward.”
- The Impact Statement (Without the Drama): Explain the fallout. “When I don’t get the updated donor list until the last minute, it means I have to rush my calls, and I worry we’re missing opportunities.”
- The Solution Suggestion (Like a Gift Basket): Offer a way forward. “Perhaps we could try a system where we all get a chance to speak uninterrupted for two minutes in meetings?”
The Sacred Scroll of Documentation
This isn’t about building a dossier for a dramatic reveal. It’s about having a clear, unbiased record. Note the date, the time, the specific action (or inaction), and the resulting impact. If things escalate to a supervisor or HR, this scroll of truth is far more persuasive than a vague, emotional plea. “On June 15th at 10 AM, during the project update, X interrupted Y three times and then took credit for Y’s idea about the social media campaign. This led to Y feeling demoralized and less engaged in subsequent discussions.” See? Professional. Factual. Ready for prime time.
The Boundary Beacon
You can’t force someone to be nice, but you can control your own reactions.
- The Gossip Shield: When someone sidles up to you with the latest office whisper, politely decline. “Oh, really? Hmm. Anyway, about that Q3 report…” Change the subject. Detach. Do not engage. You are a professional, not a participant in the office soap opera.
- The Space Invader Repellent: If someone consistently drains your energy or makes you feel small, subtly create distance. Schedule a call instead of a coffee. Keep meetings concise.
- The Expectation Proclamation: “I expect professional communication from all team members.” Said calmly, perhaps with a slight tilt of the head. It’s the verbal equivalent of a velvet rope.
When All Else Fails: Calling in the Cavalry (aka HR or Your Manager)
If your attempts at direct communication feel like shouting into a void, or if the behavior is genuinely harmful, it’s time to elevate. Your supervisor or HR are there for a reason – like an emergency parachute, hopefully. Go to them armed with your meticulously kept documentation and a clear explanation of how the behavior is affecting work. They are the designated adults in the room, and sometimes, a little adult supervision is precisely what’s needed to nudge things back toward functional.
On Your Board: Navigating the Benevolent Dictators and the Overly Enthusiastic
Nonprofit boards are a collection of highly accomplished, well-meaning individuals, often with very strong opinions and varying degrees of actual understanding of day-to-day operations. When peculiar behaviors pop up here, it can be like trying to herd a group of well-intentioned, but slightly opinionated, cats.
The Unbreakable Board Code (of Conduct, that is)
The best defense is a good offense, or in this case, a Board Code of Conduct that’s more than just a dusty document in a binder. This is your board’s constitution for civility. It outlines how members are expected to interact, debate, and generally not drive each other (or you) up the wall. Refer to it. Revisit it. Make it part of the board’s DNA.
The Chair’s Delicate Dance
The Board Chair is the maestro of this particular orchestra. If a board member is hitting sour notes, the Chair needs to step in.
- The Private Performance Review: The Chair should have a discreet, one-on-one chat with the board member. “I’ve noticed during our finance discussions that sometimes comments come across as… quite pointed, which can shut down further discussion. Our board thrives on open dialogue, and I want to ensure everyone feels comfortable contributing.” It’s about protecting the collective good of the board.
- The Rule Book Reinforcement: Gently remind them of the Board Code of Conduct. “As per our agreement in the code of conduct, we aim for constructive dissent, not personal attacks.”
- The Meeting Micro-Management (for the greater good): The Chair can implement strategies during meetings to keep things on track. “Let’s give everyone five minutes to share their initial thoughts on this proposal before we open it up for debate.” Or, “Great point, [Board Member X]! Let’s hear from [Board Member Y] now, who hasn’t had a chance to speak yet.” It’s a gentle but firm way of ensuring equitable airtime.
When a Board Member Becomes a Boardroom Menace
If the behaviors persist and genuinely impede the board’s work or create a toxic atmosphere, the Governance Committee (if you have one) might need to step in. This is where you might discuss the possibility of their continued service. It’s never easy, but sometimes, an essential limb must be pruned for the health of the entire tree. This isn’t about being mean; it’s about fiduciary duty and protecting the organization.
With Other Organizations: The Delicate Dance of Partnership
Collaborating with other nonprofits is crucial. It’s how we amplify impact, share resources, and collectively tackle the behemoths of social issues. But sometimes, these partnerships can feel less like a dance and more like two toddlers fighting over a single toy.
Mission Over Mirth (or Mire)
When another organization’s antics start to grind your gears, take a deep breath and remind yourself: it’s not about them, or you, but about the mission. That shared goal is your North Star.
- Example: If a partner organization is constantly trying to one-up you in front of a shared funder, your response isn’t to retaliate. It’s to calmly pivot: “We’re both committed to improving literacy rates in Memphis, Tennessee. How can we combine our strengths to submit the most compelling proposal for the community?” See? High road, all the way.
The Professional Poker Face
No matter how exasperating their behavior, maintain your professional decorum. Your organization’s reputation for being stable, reliable, and mature is gold.
- Documentation (Again, With Feeling!): If they fail to deliver on their promises or actively undermine your work, document it. Dates, times, specific actions, and the impact. This isn’t for revenge; it’s for protecting your organization and making informed future decisions.
- Reviewing the Partnership or Collaboration: Not all partnerships are meant to be, and it’s definitely hard to maintain a working relationship with a collaborator who is constantly treating you like scum and undermining your every move.
The Sacred Scroll of Agreement (aka the MOU)
If you’re embarking on a joint project, especially with a partner who has a track record of being a bit… mercurial, get everything in writing. A Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) might sound dry, but it’s your lifeline. Who does what? What’s the communication plan? What happens if someone flakes? Clarity prevents future headaches and provides a reference point when things inevitably get a little messy.
The Strategic Retreat
Sometimes, despite your best, most saintly efforts, a partnership just isn’t working. The “cost” in terms of your team’s morale, wasted time, and damaged reputation simply outweighs any potential benefits. In such cases, a graceful, strategic disengagement might be the wisest course of action. It’s not giving up, but sometimes recognizing that some battles are best left unfought, especially when they distract from the real work, is the only answer. Sometimes, it’s just better not to try to make “fetch” happen and move on.
Ultimately, navigating these peculiar human behaviors in the nonprofit sector is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires patience, a strong sense of purpose, and perhaps, a slightly enhanced sense of humor. We have to address these issues head-on. With professionalism and a clear focus on the mission, we can ensure that our organizations remain places where good work gets done, free from unnecessary drama and avoidable headaches.