by Dr. Kevin Dean, President & CEO, Tennessee Nonprofit Network
Well now, isn’t it just the sweetest thing? Here in Tennessee, we pride ourselves on our manners. We hold doors, we say “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir,” and we wouldn’t dream of rocking the boat, bless our hearts. We like things comfortable, smooth, like a perfectly brewed glass of sweet tea on a sweltering summer afternoon. Mentioning anything remotely resembling a problem? Well, that’s just not polite. It might make someone uncomfortable, and heaven forbid we cause a furrowed brow or a moment of unease.
You ask how the latest fundraising gala went? “Oh, it was just lovely!” we’ll chirp, even if the turnout was sparse and the silent auction items mostly attracted…silence. You inquire about the challenges we’re facing? “We’re managing just fine, thank you!” we’ll assure you, while internally battling budget deficits that could rival the national debt. This deep-seated desire to avoid any hint of discomfort can leave you feeling like you’ve just attended a mutual appreciation society meeting, all smiles and nods. But beneath that veneer of Southern charm, a crucial question lingers: did anyone actually say what they truly thought? Did we address the real elephants in the room, or just politely offer them sweet tea and hope they’d wander off?
And isn’t that just dandy? Everyone’s smiling, nodding, and agreeing. You leave a meeting feeling like you’ve just attended a mutual admiration society gathering. But then, a nagging little voice whispers in the back of your mind: did anyone actually say what they were thinking? Did anyone voice a concern? Did we actually move forward, or did we just politely shuffle in place? Why did everyone act like everything is just fine?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a well-placed “howdy” and a genuine compliment as much as the next person raised on hospitality and hushpuppies. But lately, I’ve been wrestling with a thorny idea: is our unwavering commitment to politeness in the nonprofit sector actually a disservice? Are we so busy trying to make everyone feel good today that we’re hindering our ability to help them do better tomorrow?
Think about it. How many times have you sat in a meeting where a perfectly valid concern was delicately brushed aside with a vague, “Well, we’ll look into that,” never to be heard from again? How many times have you received feedback that was so sugar-coated it was practically a confection, leaving you wondering what the actual message was beneath the saccharine shell?
It’s like trying to navigate a minefield in ballet slippers. We tiptoe around potential conflict, afraid to make a misstep, but in doing so, we risk missing the very real dangers lurking beneath the surface.
This isn’t just about pleasantries at potlucks, folks. This polite avoidance of reality has some serious consequences for our nonprofit organizations and the communities we serve. Because here’s the sticky truth, thicker than humidity in July: there’s a Grand Canyon-sized difference between being polite and being kind. Politeness, in its purest form, often favors courtesy. We offer compliments, even if they’re a tad…generous. We avoid critiques like the plague, lest we bruise someone’s delicate ego. The primary goal? To ensure everyone feels pleasant and comfortable in the immediate moment. It’s about smoothing the social creases, even if it means glossing over the underlying wrinkles.
Kindness, on the other hand, operates on a deeper level. It favors care. It’s not afraid of dishing out a little tough love when necessary. The ultimate goal of kindness isn’t just immediate comfort; it’s long-term growth and improvement. It’s about having the courage to say the things that need to be said, even if they’re a little uncomfortable, because you genuinely care about the other person’s well-being and their potential.
Yes, what I’m saying is that politeness (especially the slightly passive aggressive conflict-avoidant type of politeness that is a hallmark of Southern culture) is inherently selfish. It also tends to be favored by those who are just fine with the status quo. Did you sign up for the status quo when you took your first nonprofit job? I certainly didn’t.
Think about it in the context of raising a child. Politeness might dictate that you smile and nod when they proudly present a finger painting that looks suspiciously like abstract roadkill. Kindness, however, might involve saying, “That’s certainly…colorful! Now, let’s talk about how we can make our people look a little more like people next time, okay?” One aims for immediate happiness, the other for skill development.
And this distinction, my friends, is critical in the nonprofit sector. Our mission isn’t just to make people feel good in the moment; it’s to address deep-seated issues, to ensure lasting change, and to empower individuals and communities to thrive. Sometimes, achieving that requires us to step outside the comfortable confines of politeness and embrace the more challenging, but ultimately more impactful, realm of kindness.
The Impact on Our Organizations: The Status Quo Symphony
Firstly, choosing politeness over kindness stifles innovation and progress. If we’re constantly avoiding uncomfortable truths, how can we identify and address the real challenges facing our organizations? We become masters of the “status quo symphony,” a never-ending loop of the same old tunes played at the same comfortable volume, even when the instruments are clearly out of tune.
We might have a program that isn’t yielding the desired results, but instead of having an honest conversation about its shortcomings, we politely praise the effort and hope things magically improve. We might have a dysfunctional team dynamic, but instead of addressing the underlying issues, we focus on surface-level harmony, allowing resentment to fester beneath a veneer of forced smiles. It’s like putting a pretty tablecloth over a wobbly table – it might look nice for a moment, but it doesn’t fix the underlying instability.
This reluctance to be real also damages our ability to adapt and evolve. The nonprofit sector is facing monumental shifts – changes in funding landscapes, evolving community needs, and increasing demands for accountability. If we’re stuck in a politeness-induced fog, unable to have honest conversations about these challenges, we’ll be left behind, clinging to outdated models while the world moves on. We become like those old rotary phones – charming in their vintage appeal, but utterly inadequate for the demands of the modern world.
The Impact on Our Reputations: The “Bless Their Hearts” Whisper Campaign
Secondly, our polite avoidance of reality can damage our reputations. While we might think we’re projecting an image of stability and competence, what others might perceive is a lack of transparency and a resistance to change. The whispers start: “They’re so nice, but do they ever actually do anything differently?” The “bless their hearts” becomes less of a term of endearment and more of a subtle indictment of our inaction. It morphs from a sweet sentiment into a veiled critique, a gentle way of saying, “Well, they mean well, but…”
We got into the nonprofit sector because we wanted to make a difference, to be agents of change. But if we become known for maintaining the status quo, for prioritizing pleasantries over progress, we risk losing the trust and respect of our donors, our funders, and the very communities we aim to serve. They want to see real impact, real solutions, and real leadership – not just a perpetual state of polite contentment. They’re looking for organizations that are willing to grapple with the tough issues, not just politely sidestep them.
I have watched several nonprofits “politely” close their doors recently. We are facing very real threats to the sector and our individual nonprofits, and it’s time to have some real conversations with our boards, our funders, our staffs, and our donors.
The Impact on Our Communities: The Unmet Needs
And perhaps most importantly, our polite reluctance to be real ultimately harms the communities we serve. If we’re not honest about the challenges they face, if we’re not clearly articulating their needs and the obstacles preventing us from meeting them, how can we expect anyone to understand the urgency of the situation? We become like doctors who politely tell their patients they have a slight sniffle when they’re actually battling pneumonia. It’s well-intentioned, perhaps, but ultimately detrimental.
We might politely thank a funder for a grant that barely scratches the surface of the problem, afraid to articulate the true scale of the need. No, no, no. If you need operating support, say you need operating support. If you need overhead funded, say you need overhead funded. If you lost your entire AmeriCorps troupe to federal funding cuts, don’t keep that a secret. We might also present data in a way that downplays the severity of an issue, not wanting to sound “negative.” But in doing so, we’re doing a disservice to the very people who rely on us. They deserve to have their stories told honestly and powerfully, and they deserve for us to advocate fiercely on their behalf, even if it means having some uncomfortable conversations. Our politeness becomes a barrier, a silencer of the very voices we are meant to amplify.
A Crucial Clarification: Politeness vs. Incivility
Now, let me be crystal clear: I am not advocating for a descent into rudeness or incivility. There’s a Grand Canyon-sized difference between being direct and being disrespectful. We can be honest, forthright, and even critical without resorting to personal attacks, table-flipping theatrics, or general unpleasantness. In fact, true professionalism often requires a level of directness, delivered with respect and consideration. Don’t go flipping tables, my friends. You don’t want to be a Real Housewife. Don’t go creating unnecessary chaos in meetings. You can still choose your words carefully. Share your truth, but share it with kindness and compassion.
Think of it like a skilled surgeon. They need to be direct and honest about the diagnosis and the necessary course of treatment, even if it’s difficult to hear. But they do so with professionalism, empathy, and a focus on the patient’s well-being, not with bluntness or cruelty. We can – and must – bring that same level of thoughtful directness to our interactions in the nonprofit sector. Kindness doesn’t have to be disruptive.
Unprecedented Times Demand Unprecedented Honesty
Furthermore, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room that’s wearing a “2020-present” t-shirt: we are living in unprecedented times. The confluence of global events, economic shifts, and evolving social landscapes has created a perfect storm of challenges for the nonprofit sector. Funding streams are less predictable, the needs of our communities are more complex and urgent, and the demands on our staff and resources are immense.
In such a climate, our ingrained politeness becomes not just a hindrance, but a potential threat to our very survival. If we politely pretend that everything is manageable, if we politely downplay the severity of the challenges we face, we risk being overlooked and unsupported. Our silence will not magically conjure the resources we need or alleviate the pressures we are under.
We have a responsibility to speak up, clearly and unequivocally, about the realities of our situation. We need to inform our donors that increased costs and decreased funding are directly impacting our ability to deliver vital services. We need to communicate to our funders that the complexity of the current challenges requires greater investment and more flexible support. And we need to be honest with each other about the emotional and practical toll these times are taking on our teams.
This isn’t about being alarmist, but it is about being truthful. It’s about ensuring that those who support us understand the gravity of the situation and the urgent need for action. If we continue to politely nod and smile while our organizations teeter on the brink, we risk a far greater discomfort down the line – the inability to serve our communities at all.
Taking Feedback Like a Champ (Not a Wilting Flower)
This starts with how we receive feedback. In our polite Southern culture, criticism can feel like a personal affront. We tend to get defensive, to explain away shortcomings, or to simply shut down. But feedback, even when it’s difficult to hear, is a gift. It’s an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to improve. Think of it as someone pointing out a smudge on your glasses – it might be a little awkward in the moment, but once you wipe it off, your vision is much clearer.
Here’s how to take feedback like a champ:
- Listen actively: When someone is offering feedback, truly listen without interrupting or formulating your defense in your head. Make eye contact, nod, and show that you’re engaged. Put aside your assumptions and try to understand their perspective.
- Ask clarifying questions: If you don’t understand the feedback, ask for specific examples or more detail. Don’t assume you know what the person means. Phrases like, “Could you give me an example of what you mean?” or “Can you help me understand that better?” can be incredibly helpful.
- Resist the urge to defend immediately: It’s natural to want to explain your actions, but try to resist this initial impulse. Take a moment to process the feedback before responding. A simple, “Thank you, I need to think about that,” can buy you valuable time.
- Thank the person for their feedback: Even if the feedback is difficult to hear, acknowledge the courage it took for the person to share it. A simple “thank you for letting me know” can go a long way in fostering a culture of open communication.
- Reflect and identify actionable steps: After receiving feedback, take some time to reflect on what you heard. Identify specific actions you can take to address the concerns raised. Don’t just dwell on the criticism; focus on finding solutions.
- Follow up: If appropriate, let the person who gave you feedback know what steps you’re taking as a result of their input. This shows that you value their perspective and are committed to improvement. It closes the loop and encourages future honest communication.
Giving Feedback That Actually Helps (Not Just Sounds Nice)
Giving effective feedback is just as crucial. We need to move beyond vague compliments and hesitant suggestions and learn to communicate clearly and constructively. As Southerners, we’re great at “whisper campaigns” and passive aggression, but we’re not so great at direct feedback. Think of it as pruning a rose bush – a little careful cutting back can lead to much more vibrant blooms.
Here’s how to give feedback that actually helps:
- Be specific: Instead of saying “That presentation wasn’t very engaging,” try “I noticed that the audience seemed less engaged during the second half of the presentation. Perhaps we could incorporate more interactive elements next time, like polling questions or small group discussions?”
- Focus on behavior, not personality: Frame your feedback around specific actions or behaviors, rather than making judgments about the person’s character. For example, instead of “You’re always late,” try “I’ve noticed you’ve been late to the last few meetings. This impacts our ability to start on time and can disrupt the flow for others.”
- Frame it positively: When possible, frame your feedback in a way that focuses on growth and improvement. For example, instead of “This report is full of errors,” try “This report has some great information, and with a few revisions to address these specific areas – I can point them out if that would be helpful – it will be even stronger.”
- Choose the right time and place: Deliver feedback in a private setting and at a time when the person is likely to be receptive. Avoid giving critical feedback in front of others, as this can lead to defensiveness and resentment.
- Be prepared to listen: Feedback is a two-way street. Be prepared to listen to the other person’s perspective and engage in a dialogue. They may have valuable insights or context that you are unaware of.
- Follow up: If you’re giving feedback on an ongoing project or behavior, follow up to see if there has been any progress and offer continued support. This shows your commitment to their growth and development.
Facing the Music: Talking About the Real Challenges
And now, let’s talk about the big elephant in the room that’s wearing a “2020-present” t-shirt and maybe even juggling a few flaming torches: we are living in unprecedented times. The confluence of global events, economic shifts, and evolving social landscapes has created a perfect storm of challenges for the nonprofit sector. Funding streams are less predictable, the needs of our communities are more complex and urgent, and the demands on our staff and resources are immense. We can’t politely pretend that everything is just peachy while the ship is taking on water.
We have a responsibility to speak up, clearly and unequivocally, about the realities of our situation. We need to inform our donors that increased costs and decreased funding are directly impacting our ability to deliver vital services. We need to communicate to our funders that the complexity of the current challenges requires greater investment and more flexible support. And we need to be honest with each other about the emotional and practical toll these times are taking on our teams. We need to move beyond polite inquiries of “How are you?” and create space for genuine answers, even if those answers are “I’m struggling.”
Someone once told me, “Clear is kind.” Politeness isn’t necessarily about kindness. Being truthful is. It’s about ensuring that those who support us understand the gravity of the situation and the urgent need for action. If we continue to politely nod and smile while our organizations teeter on the brink, we risk a far greater discomfort down the line – the inability to serve our communities at all. Our polite silence becomes a self-inflicted wound, preventing us from receiving the support we desperately need.
And we need to be real with each other. We need to create safe and supportive spaces where we can openly discuss our struggles, share our frustrations, and support one another. We need to break down the polite barriers that prevent us from acknowledging when we’re feeling overwhelmed or when our organizations are facing significant hurdles. Just like Charlie Brown’s teacher’s inaudible “wah wah wah,” our polite pronouncements of “status quo” don’t reflect the complex and often difficult realities we navigate daily. We need to hear each other, truly hear each other, beyond the polite surface.
Imagine a world where we could have honest conversations without fear of causing offense. Imagine board meetings where real challenges are openly discussed and innovative solutions are collaboratively explored. Imagine donor appeals that clearly articulate the urgent needs and the tangible impact of their support. Imagine a nonprofit sector in Tennessee where we’ve traded polite platitudes for powerful progress, where our honesty becomes our strength.
It won’t always be comfortable. There might be some ruffled feathers. But ultimately, being real – with our donors, with our funders, and with each other – is the most respectful and effective way to serve our missions and the communities we are so passionate about. So, let’s take a deep breath, channel our inner “Real World” alumni (minus the dramatic confrontations, of course), and start getting real. Our communities, and our organizations, deserve nothing less than our honest truth, delivered with respect and a shared commitment to making a real difference.