By Kevin Dean, President & CEO, Tennessee Nonprofit Network
A few years ago, I was celebrating a long day’s work over drinks with a friend of mine. He worked for another friend of mine, a true visionary in the local nonprofit sector. “She’s out to get me! She wants me gone! I think she dislikes me because I’m a man! She hates men!” my friend complained. I was taken aback by the accusation.
This was a stretch, and my Spidey-senses immediately started tingling. No, she didn’t hate men. She’s also very direct and I doubt that she would do anything other than fire him if she wanted him gone. She was not the passive aggressive type. “That’s really surprising,” I told him after a pause. Internally, I considered the additional context: that my friend was a bit….entitled, a little irritating, and I had never known him to be a terribly hard worker. Though I adore him as a friend, I would never ever want to work with him or supervise him. He’s the type that posted a lot on Facebook during the work day, and his Snapchat stories were often of him complaining about work with pictures of him rolling his eyes, etc.
I should have spoken up. I should have pushed back. I should have defended his boss, who I know to be a fantastic leader and supervisor. The low turnover, great fundraising, and multiple awards support that. But I didn’t, and I still regret it to this day. While I didn’t validate his perceptions, I didn’t try to reframe them either.
My friend ended up going back to corporate, where he now complains about his new boss. There’s obviously a pattern here, and it’s unfortunate that my friend is and probably will forever be a consummate victim of his own making.
We’ve all had those moments at work where we’re convinced our nonprofit boss is plotting our downfall. I, too, have convinced myself a former boss was out to get me. I didn’t have definitive proof, but the feeling was–at the time–very palpable. Every piece of feedback on that grant you wrote feels like a personal attack, every budget cut stings like a betrayal, and that one time they forgot to thank you for staying late to finish that report? Well, that’s just irrefutable proof they’re out to get you, right?
But hold on a minute. Before you start drafting your dramatic resignation letter or rehearsing your “I quit!” speech in the mirror, let’s take a step back and consider a few things. Remember, we’re in Tennessee, the land of at-will employment. If your nonprofit boss really wanted you gone, they could’ve shown you the door ages ago. So, what’s the real deal?
Feelings vs. Facts: The Great Nonprofit Tug-of-War
Feelings are fickle things, especially in the emotionally charged world of nonprofits. One minute you’re riding high on the success of a fundraising campaign, the next you’re convinced your boss is secretly judging your every move. It’s easy to let those negative emotions take over, especially when you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or just plain burnt out from the constant struggle to do more with less.
But here’s the thing: feelings aren’t always facts. That grant rejection might have been due to a highly competitive funding landscape, not your boss’s evil scheme to undermine your program. That budget cut? Maybe they’re just trying to keep the organization afloat in tough economic times, not punish you personally. It’s important to discern between facts and feelings. While feelings do matter and carry a lot of weight, it’s more important to determine the facts before resorting to a conclusion about what’s really going on.
In the interest of transparency, I am GREAT at making up stories about the motivations, biases, and secret agendas of those around me. It has gotten me into trouble before and probably will again. So know that I am writing this for myself as much as I am for you. We’re all guilty of it, whether it be a boss, a coworker, a funder, or a board member. We’re great at manufacturing stories of our impending demise at the hands of others, but we’re sometimes less great at stopping, reflecting on the facts, and thinking about how to more appropriately respond to perceived slights, sabotage, etc.
The Nonprofit Boss’s Balancing Act: More Hats Than a Milliner
Let’s face it, your nonprofit boss probably has more hats than a milliner. They’re juggling fundraising goals, managing volunteers, appeasing board members, and trying to keep the mission on track amidst a sea of challenges. Oh, and let’s not forget those donor meetings where they have to smile and nod while someone drones on about their pet project.
In other words, your nonprofit boss is busy. Like, really busy. So, that delayed response to your email might just be a sign they’re swamped, not that they’re secretly plotting your demise. It’s always important to remember that your boss’ priorities may not be your personal priorities, especially if those priorities don’t align with the overarching goals of the organization or fit into the big picture agenda. At the end of the day, your boss has to prioritize what their boss has prioritized or what the board of directors, the funders, and the community has prioritized. I can say from experience that juggling so many competing priorities can be a big challenge in of itself.
The Mirror Test: Are You Part of the Problem?
Now, before you start pointing fingers, it’s time for a little self-reflection. Are you contributing to a positive work environment, or are you the one constantly complaining? Do you actively collaborate with your colleagues, or are you the lone wolf who always insists on doing things their own way? Are you a proactive problem-solver, or do you tend to dwell on challenges without offering solutions? Do you undermine your boss in front of coworkers or other stakeholders? Do you make tasks more complicated than they should be at the expense of your colleagues? Do you demand more attention from your boss and colleagues than others, especially when it has nothing to do with the work at hand?
If you answered yes to any of the latter options, it might be time to take a good, hard look in the mirror. Remember, a healthy nonprofit workplace is a team effort. You have as much responsibility to build trust and goodwill with your boss as she has with you.
Building Bridges: Trust is the Name of the Game
At the end of the day, a good working relationship is built on trust. If you’re constantly second-guessing your boss’s motives or assuming the worst, it’s going to create a whole lot of unnecessary stress and tension.
So, instead of building walls, try building bridges. Communicate openly and honestly with your boss, show initiative, and be a team player. Celebrate successes together and brainstorm solutions to challenges. You might be surprised at how much smoother things run when you’re all working towards the same mission.
It’s Not Always About You: Your Boss is Human Too
Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that your nonprofit boss is a person too, with their own struggles and insecurities. They might be battling perfectionism, imposter syndrome, or just feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders as they try to make a difference. Your boss might be struggling at home, be fighting depression, or even feel the same way about their boss that you feel about them, causing panic, anxiety, and fear.
It’s important to remember to assume positive intent and give your boss some grace. Cut them some slack, offer support when you can, and try to see things from their perspective. A little bit of empathy can go a long way in building a more positive and understanding work environment. Sometimes modeling the behavior you want to see from other people goes a long way, even with your boss!
Effective Communication Strategies
When facing a perceived bias or feeling targeted by your boss, effective communication is key to navigating the situation and potentially turning things around. Here are some strategies:
1. Focus on Facts and Objectivity: Keep communication centered on concrete facts and observable behaviors. Instead of saying, “You’re always picking on me,” try “I noticed I’ve been receiving more critical feedback lately than my colleagues on similar projects.” A little conversation can go a long way.
2. Choose the Right Time and Place: Avoid emotional outbursts or confrontations in public settings. Request a private meeting with your boss to discuss your concerns in a calm and professional manner.
3. Active Listening and Empathy: Demonstrate that you’re genuinely trying to understand your boss’s perspective. Listen actively to their explanations and try to see things from their point of view.
4. Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on the problem, propose solutions. For instance, “I’d like to discuss ways we can improve communication and ensure I’m meeting your expectations.”
5. Document Interactions: If the situation persists, keep a record of specific incidents, including dates, times, and details of conversations. This can be helpful if you need to escalate the issue or seek external support.
Yes, there sometimes are bad bosses out there who are truly out to get you. Those are fewer and farther between than you may think. In those cases, keep your resume updated and get out of there before it’s too late, but don’t leave before you at least try having a productive conversation to align interests and expectations with your boss.
The Bottom Line: Chill Out and Get to Work Changing the World!
In most cases, your nonprofit boss isn’t out to get you. They’re just trying to do their job, navigate the complexities of the nonprofit world, and maybe even grab a cup of coffee without spilling it on their grant proposal.
So, take a deep breath, relax, and focus on doing your best work. And remember, if you’re ever in doubt, just ask. Open communication is key to a happy and productive nonprofit workplace, even in the wild west of at-will employment. After all, you’re all on the same team, fighting the good fight to make the world a better place.